


Between The Devil And The Deep Blue Sea

by BehindTheRobinsMask



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Amnesia, Bad Decisions, Broken Promises, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, Lazarus Pit, M/M, On the Run, Panic Attacks, Road Trips, Romantic Fluff, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:08:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26191678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BehindTheRobinsMask/pseuds/BehindTheRobinsMask
Summary: Jason couldn’t do that. He could never forget what Dick meant to him. Which is why he had to bring his Bluebird back. Which is why he had to remind Dick of everything that he had lost.Even if that meant forcing him into the Lazarus Pit. Even if it meant cursing him in the process.
Relationships: Dick Grayson/Jason Todd
Comments: 6
Kudos: 127
Collections: JayDick Summer Exchange 2020





	Between The Devil And The Deep Blue Sea

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stribird (timidGoddess)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/timidGoddess/gifts).



> For Stribird:
> 
> I just want to tell you that I absolutely love your art. I think your same age Robin AU, the artwork and the fic, have to be my favourite. I keep going back to them because it just makes me so happy. So when I saw this prompt of yours, I just really wanted to write something for you as a treat, a thank you of sorts. I hope you enjoy the fic!

Jason Todd would never think of himself as a good man.   
  


In fact, he was sure that if there were a heaven and hell, a god that had created every human that walked on this cursed planet, Jason was someone that had been abandoned by his creator long ago. His very blood was etched with the sins he had committed, his soul beyond saving. Hell, even being blown up couldn’t put him on the right path. At the end of the road, there was no redemption for him, no salvation, and definitely not the glowing staircase that would lead him to eternal peace. And if purgatory had ever been an option, a dip into limbo, it no longer was now. After all, with one impulsive decision, Jason had done the worst thing possible.   
  


As his hand trembled, he raised his cigarette to his lips, a green hue surrounded the small flame dancing on the tip of his lighter. He inhaled. He exhaled. But the tremors that wracked his body wouldn’t stop. Closing his eyes, he tried to concentrate on the sound of something dripping onto the ground. Following the sound, he found the body of one of Ra’s henchmen pinned to the cave wall, oozing blood onto the floor. Today, everything that Jason had learned under Talia’s tutelage had been put to the test and while he had promised that he would never kill again, the circumstances pushed his hand. Dick would understand. He had to understand.   
  


Glowing with life, the green waters of the Lazarus Pit hummed and cried, a sound that Jason was sure that no one but him could hear. He could almost feel his skin sizzle with pain, agony ripped out of his body to make space for emotions that he could never have control over. Confusion, fear, blinding rage. They were his curse and soon, they would be Dick’s. Instead of trying to understand him, Jason’s bluebird would now know exactly how he felt every single day of his life. And maybe he would hate Jason for the decision he had made but that was alright. At least Dick would be back.   
  


Counting down the seconds, Jason waited, crushing the cigarette in his grip and as if on cue, Dick broke free from the pit’s hold, his lips parting to make the most painful sound he had ever heard. Dick screamed and screamed and screamed. The pit seemed to have that effect on anyone who dared to take a dip.   
  


And as terrible as it was, Jason couldn’t help but feel nostalgic.   
  


*******

_It was a habit that Jason had picked up when he was a child. Whenever Dick Grayson was in the room, his eyes automatically followed him, breathing in every move like it was something magical. While in the past he had tried his best to stop and not be plain creepy, now he didn’t care. He didn’t have to. After all, Dick was officially his boyfriend. Somehow Jason’s feelings for the older, feelings that survived death and resurrection, had been returned. Now, Jason could do things he never thought he’d be able to do, like waking up next to Dick every single morning.  
  
_

_“You’re staring,” Dick said, a small smile appearing on his face even though his eyes were closed.  
  
_

_“I can’t help it,” Jason hummed, wrapping his arm around his boyfriend’s waist to pull him close. “You’re just so damn pretty, Dickiebird.”  
  
_

_Giggling softly, Dick finally looked at Jason, an enamoured expression on his face, “Isn’t it too early in the morning for you to be so cheesy, Mr Todd?”  
  
_

_“Hmm, let’s see,” Jason said, pretending to think. “According to my schedule, I’m to woo you at 10 A.M. sharp. And by 10:30 A.M. I’m supposed to be fuck your brains out. Since it is 10:05, I’m right on time.”  
  
_

_“Well, that’s strange!” Dick said with mock surprise. “According to my schedule, I’m supposed to be asleep till 11 A.M. while my boyfriend is supposed to get breakfast started and not disturb me by being creepy.”  
  
_

_Gasping, Jason did his best to look offended, “You hurt me, Dickie.”  
  
_

_“That was the point. Now get moving, wench!” Dick grinned, slapping Jason’s boxer clad ass.  
  
_

_“I demand to be treated with respect! Respect!” Jason complained though he was already getting out of bed.  
  
_

_“I’ll write you in for respect at 11:30. How does that sound?”  
  
_

_“Well, I’m free so I guess I could do 11:30.”  
  
_

_As Dick laughed, beautiful and free, leaning against the doorway, Jason just watched, his heart so full of love. He had always assumed that happiness was something rare, a blessing given only to those who really deserved it. Yet, here was, smiling widely each day, saved from the lonely days he had known. Dick made him feel alive. He made him feel hopeful. And even though hope could be a weakness, Jason never wanted to lose this feeling.  
  
_

_He never wanted to lose Dick._

*******

Stepping on the gas pedal, Jason couldn’t stop glancing at the rearview mirror. He couldn’t stop looking at Dick who was unconscious in the backseat of the car. His grip on the wheel tightened and his teeth bit down on the cigarette stub in his mouth, anxiety rearing its ugly head in so many different ways. The pit did something to the people it embraced. It changed them. It broke them. At least that had been Jason’s experience but maybe Dick would be different. Maybe he would be alright. After all, Ra’s Al-Ghul, despite being a terrible human being, was completely alright even though he had been using the Lazarus pit for years now.   
  


And the pit had done its job, Jason knew that. After awakening, as he was pulled out of the green water, for a moment, Dick’s blue eyes met Jason’s, filling with recognition, love and confusion. Dick knew who he was. Dick knew himself.   
  


As he pulled into the driveway of the motel, Jason felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, the sensation making him grit his teeth. He knew this would happen eventually. He just hoped that it would take longer for the Bats to notice that Ric Grayson was missing.   
  


“Yello,” Jason picked up the phone the way he always would, his tone friendly but cheerful, if not slightly threatening. “What can I do for you Timbo?”  
  


“Jason,” Tim responded, his voice eerily calm. “Dick is missing. When Babs went to check on him, she found his apartment empty. It seems that he’s been gone for a few days and no one can find him.”  
  


Jason was sure that Tim already knew where Dick was and who he was with. Maybe this was his way of warning him or maybe he was trying to track them down. Jason couldn’t be sure. All he knew was that he couldn’t take any chances. If Bruce found him, there would be hell to pay and Jason wasn’t going to go to Arkham. No fucking way.   
  


“Ya sure he didn’t just fly the coop?” Jason asked, parking the car. Quickly he turned around to check on Dick who was still, thankfully, unconscious.   
  


“We found his tracker in Star City,” Tim answered, his frustration so very obvious. He wasn’t even trying to hide how annoyed he was. “He shouldn’t have known about it and even if he did, there’s no way of him getting it out on his own.”  
  


“I see, I see. But what do you want me to do about it, Timmy? Bruce wants me nowhere near his golden boy. You know that,” Jason said bitterly.   
  


After his last encounter with the Batman, Jason had been banished from Gotham, from the family and most importantly, from Dick’s life. While Dick had protested Bruce’s decision, the old man refused to back off, throwing down an ultimatum instead. Dick could either be with his family or he could be with Jason. It was a sick but calculated move. After all, Jason would never tear Dick away from the people he loved. So instead, he had broken his own heart and left, keeping in touch with the love of his life through other people.   
  


When Jason had left Gotham without once turning back, he had left knowing that Dick would be alright, that he had people around him who would take care of him, people who would never let him get hurt. Yet, it hadn’t even been a month since his departure that he found out Nightwing had been shot. Of course, no one had bothered to give him a call to let him know. He had to find out through the local news.   
  


His bluebird, his love, his everything was fighting with death and Bruce didn’t let Jason come back to Gotham. The old man just accused Jason of using Dick’s predicament as a way to forward his own selfish agenda, whatever the fuck that was supposed to be. If it weren’t for Roy and Kori, Jason would have started a riot, he would have done anything to see Dick again. But instead, he chose to be patient. He chose to have faith, not in god or miracles but in Dick Grayson.   
  


And while Dick survived the incident, the person he used to be, the man that Jason loved, had been lost.   
  


For a while, Tim didn’t say anything and then he finally sighed, “Don’t do anything stupid, Jason.”  
  


 _A little too late for that warning._ Snorting, Jason just shook his head, “See you when I can, Timbo.” With that, he cut the call.   
  


He still wondered how the family had been so okay with letting Dick go. Jason knew that his Bluebird meant something important to every member. After all, he was Bruce’s first son, a grandchild for Alfred, Tim’s one and only brother and a father figure for Damien. Yet, when Dick lost his memories, they just let him be, never once trying to remind him of who he used to be. They had accepted reality so easily, moving on with life without ever mourning over what they had lost.   
  


Jason couldn’t do that. He could never forget what Dick meant to him. Which is why he had to bring his Bluebird back. Which is why he had to remind Dick of everything that he had lost.   
  


Even if that meant forcing him into the Lazarus Pit. Even if it meant cursing him in the process. 

*******

_Reaching for the shrimp cocktail, Jason’s eyes surveyed the room, judging every rich person he came across. While he knew that Bruce had to keep his image as the philanthropic playboy alive, a sight that was always so painful to see, he didn’t know why he was forced to attend all these dumb parties and galas. It wasn’t like anyone here even knew who he was. To them, Jason Todd was a tragic boy who died at the age of sixteen in an incident overseas. But every time there was a party, there would be an invitation delivered to Jason’s door, either in the mail or attached to a shuriken. Damian clearly liked to make his presence known.  
  
_

_Leaning against the bar, Jason sighed as his eyes landed on Tim who was chatting away, hands moving animatedly as he spoke about the Wayne Enterprise. If he could, Jason was sure that Tim would pull out graphs and statistics, turning the already boring party into a board meeting. The more Jason watched him work, the more he was sure that a corporate lifestyle was simply not for him.  
  
_

_Then there was Damian who looked annoyed. But then again, that seemed to be his default mood for every situation. And now that he was surrounded by people who loved using animal products, especially fur coats and scarves, Jason was just waiting for the moment when the brat would explode. Now that would be an entertaining moment.  
  
_

_Somehow, the only people who seemed to be having any fun were Stephanie and Cassandra. The two of them had managed to escape onto the second floor and using the shadows as their cover, they dropped grapes into the drinks of passersby. It seemed like a fun game and one that Jason had played a lot when he was young. He was a bit tempted to join them.  
  
_

_As he contemplated what to do next, he felt someone sit beside him, an arm linking with his own.  
  
_

_“Whatcha thinking Jay?” Dick asked, leaning his head against Jason’s shoulder.  
  
_

_With his lips pulling into a smile, Jason hummed, “I’m thinking that you and I should get out of here.”  
  
_

_“Ohh. Tell me more,” Dick sang, grinning wickedly.  
  
_

_“We could slip out the backdoor, grab my bike and ride off into the sunset.” He then leaned down so only Dick could hear his next words. “And then maybe you could ride me.”  
  
_

_“Mr Todd! Such scandalous things you say!” Dick exclaimed, covering his mouth but his eyes were glimmering with desire.  
  
_

_“But you like them, don’t ya, Dickie?” Jason smirked and Dick returned his smile.  
  
_

_“I do, Mr Todd. I really do,” he said, grabbing Jason’s hand. “But first, you owe me a dance.”  
  
_

_Groaning, Jason let himself be pulled onto the dance floor, “You should be glad I like you, Grayson. I don’t dance with just anybody.”_

_“I know, Jay,” Dick whispered but he wasn’t joking around anymore. “I know.”  
  
_

_As the weight of Dick’s words fell on Jason, the anxiety he was feeling thanks to the way Bruce was glaring at the two of them just faded away. He loved Dick and Dick loved him. The only thing that was important was the way they felt about one another. That was all that mattered now and always._

*******

It was around six in the morning when Jason woke up, air escaping his lips as his eyes fluttered open. Broken pieces of sunlight fell into the room through the uneven shades that covered the window, outlining on the carpeted floor. Right beneath it, the old air-conditioned sputtered and heaved, struggling to channel in cold air, ready to be put out of its misery. Everything seemed so normal. Everything was the same as it had been when Jason fell asleep.   
  


After his conversation with Tim, with old memories and feelings of resentment resurfacing, a part of Jason wanted to go back to the pit, to fight more, to empty the clips of his gun into a body. But he held onto his reasoning, held onto his desire to have Dick back in his arms. His love was the thing that chained Jason to the ground, held him back every time the world was painted in shades of green. While he had already broken his promise, he wouldn’t pick up his guns again, not unless someone attacked him first. He knew he wasn’t a good man, the red on his hands too deep to be removed but Dick made him want to be better.   
  


Once he carried Dick back to the room, Jason had waited for his boyfriend to wake up, to see if he was truly okay, if the missing memories had returned. But somewhere between waiting and worrying, Jason had fallen asleep. Now, turning his head, he checked on Dick who had been lying beside him.   
  


If anyone else saw Dick right now, with the way his body was curled into a ball, trembling softly, they would think that he was cold. But Jason knew that something was wrong. After all, the temperature in the room was too hot for anyone to so much as shiver. Sitting up straight, Jason placed his hand on Dick’s cheek but that seemed to be a mistake because as his fingers brushed against the older’s skin, Dick retreated into his little cocoon, wide-eyes full of fear.   
  


“Dickie?” Jason called out, his voice soft but Dick never responded. It was as if he couldn’t hear him, as if he was stuck in his head, in whatever nightmare he was seeing.   
  


Jason felt stumped. While he was prepared to do whatever it took to get Dick through the first few days of pit-frenzy, what he had expected was a total lack of control, a submission to fear and anger, swinging fists and screams that could turn one's voice hoarse. That’s the way Jason had been after his resurrection. Pit-crazy as some people would call it. But Dick, he was different. Instead of acting out and defending himself against his dreams, he seemed to have shut down, locked away in the memories of past trauma, one that Jason couldn’t guess even if he tried. Despite his carefree smile, Dick Grayson had so many demons that he refused to acknowledge, ones that he refused to even speak of.   
  


As the sound of breathing filled the room, the ticking of the clock almost mocking Jason, he did his best to find a way to snap Dick out of his dreams, to assure him that whatever he was seeing wasn’t real. But if he so much as raised his finger to touch, Dick just froze.  
  


Knowing that Dick needed his space, the first thing Jason did was move away from him, choosing to sit on one of the plastic chairs placed in the room. And as he moved around, he could feel eyes observing his every move.   
  


“I…” Jason opened his mouth, wondering what he could say to distract Dick. Lacing his fingers together, he took in a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” those were the first words that came out of his mouth when he just stopped thinking too much. “I know… I know that you’re in pain. I know you’re scared and it’s my fault. All of this… it’s all my fault. But I just couldn’t do it, Dickie. I couldn’t imagine my life without you. Maybe forgetting me was the best thing that happened to you. After all, you’re Dick Grayson. You don’t need to be stuck with a schmuck like me. But I… I’m so fucking selfish, Dickie. So fucking selfish.”  
  


By the time he finished his apology, Jason was on the verge of tears because the guilt that had been building up this whole time, it was now consuming him, bit by bit. He had made a terrible choice, one that could fuck Dick up for a long time. Jason knew exactly what the pit could do, what it could turn a person into but he went through with his plan anyway. All because he didn’t know how to let go. If Dick had been in his place, he would have never made this choice. But Jason wasn’t so strong, not when it came to Dick.   
  


With each tick, the sound of the clock seemed to get louder and louder as Jason waited for Dick to say something, to do something. He waited for the anger, the hate but the only thing he got was silence, heavy and cold, suffocating as it wrapped around his throat, grip tightening until he was struggling to breathe.   
  


“Jason?” Dick finally called out, his voice low and scared. “Jason are you--”  
  


He stopped talking as his eyes looked around the room, seeing something that Jason simply couldn’t.   
  


Smiling, Jason moved just a little closer, “Hey, Dickie. Yeah. It’s me. I’m right here,” he assured.   
  


For a while, Dick just stared at the corner of the room, breathing faster and faster, on the verge of breaking down.   
  


“Talk to me,” he suddenly said, his gaze piercing into Jason. “Please, just talk to me.”  
  


“Okay,” Jason whispered with a nod as Dick closed his eyes. “Okay,” he repeated, trying to figure out what was going through the older’s head.   
  


After that, he started talking about random incidents, all the things he did while he was away from Gotham. In the beginning, Dick seemed as bad as he did when Jason woke up, but slowly as time passed, as the stories became more animated, he calmed down. He finally unclenched his fists, he finally stopped digging his nails into his skin to ground himself. Whatever he was seeing, whatever was scaring him, it was fading away so Jason spoke and spoke until finally, Dick was looking at him once again. He was looking at Jason and really seeing him.   
  


“Jay…” He started, face hardening. “Jason, what happened to me?”  
  


Jason sighed, “It’s a long, long story, Dickiebird.”  
  


“I’m sure you’ll tell me on our drive to the next city,” Dick said, his eyes calculating. Even though he had only been truly awake, truly lucid for just a few minutes, he already understood the situation he was in. “Bruce will track us down if we stay here any longer.”  
  


Jason shouldn’t have been smiling but he was, widely, teeth on full display, “Well, time to go then, eh, Dickiebird?” he said, holding out his hand for Dick to take.   
  


While he expected some hesitation, some fear, without a second to waste, Dick was holding onto him, trusting him and that action made Jason’s heart swell with love. But it also made him hate himself just a little more than he already did.   
  


Emotions were just so complicated. 

*******

_Huddled next to his only friend, the gargoyle, with his cape wrapped around his body to keep him warm, Jason stared at the polluted Gotham sky that blurred out the stars. Even though it was late into the night, lights flickered on and off throughout the city, people sleeping, people waking up, people living their lives without any worry. Jason didn’t remember a time when he could be aloof, when he could just breathe without wondering how that one action could cost him.  
  
_

_Whether he was wandering the streets of crime alley or tracing the halls of Wayne manor, Jason could never really rest. He could never really be free. No matter where he looked, there was some kind of weight pressing down on him, expectations so heavy that he couldn’t breathe. But then again, these expectations, this pressure, all of it came from him. He was his own tormentor.  
  
_

_And sometimes, the lines seemed to blur. Sometimes, scared of messing up, Jason would try too hard, hurt too much. Tonight had been one of those nights. The drug bust had been so simple, all he had to do was follow Bruce’s lead but Jason needed to be good. He needed to be better than Dick Grayson, the former Robin so he acted sooner than told. They still managed though and everything was going good until he ended up breaking a dealer’s shoulder. Bruce wasn’t happy and brimming with anger, Jason had run away.  
  
_

_Now, he didn’t know how to go back home. He didn’t know how to face Bruce.  
  
_

_“This place has a nice view, doesn’t it?”  
  
_

_Snapped out of his thoughts, Jason’s hand reached for the Batarang he had nabbed from Bruce when he saw Nightwing standing on the other edge. The wind whistled through his hair, making the raven locks sway and there was the softest smile on his face, one that just took Jason’s breath away.  
  
_

_“What are you doing here?” Jason asked, turning away from his predecessor as he pulled his knees to his chest.  
  
_

_“Heard you had a fight with B,” Dick answered without beating around the bush.  
  
_

_“So? What’s it to you? Shouldn’t you be glad that Bruce hates me?” Jason muttered and Dick sighed.  
  
_

_The smile, the oh so beautiful smile, disappeared as Dick stared at him. Jason almost regretted his words.  
  
_

_“I don’t hate you, Jay,” he said, moving closer to Jason. “I just… I was angry at Bruce because he just… he gave Robin away without even telling me. I felt betrayed. But that doesn’t mean I hate you. I really don’t.”  
  
_

_“Well, coulda fooled me.” Jason snorted, shaking his head slightly.  
  
_

_“I know I haven’t been on my best behaviour, especially when it comes to you but I’m trying, Jason. I want to be there for you. I want to be your friend,” Dick said, finally sitting down next to Jason. “That is if you’ll have me.”  
  
_

_Chewing on his lower lip, Jason glanced at Dick. He didn’t know if the older actually meant those words or not.  
  
_

_“Why would you want to be my friend?” Jason asked and Dick smiled, ruffling Jason’s hair.  
  
_

_“Because we all need someone, little wing,” he answered.  
  
_

_“Little… little wing?”  
  
_

_“Yep! You’re my little wing from now.”  
  
_

_“Fuck no!”  
  
_

_“Too late! The nickname is official.”  
  
_

_“Nevermind, Chicken Wing. I don’t want to be your friend.”_

*******

Tapping the steering wheel, Jason occasionally glanced at Dick who sat in the passenger seat, silent. Once again, he waited for the anger and resentment but ever since Dick learned what Jason had done, he hadn’t said a single word, something that was more terrifying than any breakdown. Jason felt desperate now. He wanted Dick to say something. Anything. Even an ‘I hate you’ would be better than nothing. But he also didn’t want to push his boyfriend, instead, trying his best to be as patient as he could.   
  


The only time Dick had shown even a little bit of surprise was when Jason told him how he had found a new identity for himself, how he had become Ric Grayson after he woke up in the hospital without any memories. After that, his face had been passive as Jason explained how he had kidnapped Ric and then dragged him all the way to a Lazarus Pit that he had found. Going to Nanda Parbat was close to impossible considering how heavily guarded that place was. So, Jason had to improvise, find another pit, somewhere out of Ra’s reach.

  
“It must have taken you months to plan this,” was all Dick had said before falling silent.   
  


“Yeah, well, I’d do anything for you, Dick,” was Jason’s response and after that, there was nothing.   
  


Jason couldn’t deny it. He was scared. Scared that Dick was thinking of a way to contact Bruce. Scared that Dick would leave him. Scared that Dick would never forgive him for what he had done. He was scared of ending up in Arkham Asylum with no way out, no chance to fix things. But Jason had no right to be afraid, to pity himself. If things went south, if he lost everything he held dear, it would all be his fault. After all, he had made a decision for Dick, one that he didn’t have any right to make. And because he knew he was to blame, he just gripped the steering wheel and kept his mouth shut, ready to brave the storm that was to come.   
  


“Where are we going now?” Dick finally spoke, his question making Jason’s heart sink. He wanted a location so he could alert the family.   
  


“Jump city,” Jason answered, not having the strength to lie, even though it would have been the smarter, though, selfish thing to do.   
  


“We can’t go there,” Dick immediately said, shaking his head. “Tim would have alerted Damian and the titans. They’d find us the moment we entered the city.”  
  


For a while, Jason didn’t say anything, wondering why Dick was trying to help. Was this a rouse to make Jason believe that he was on his side? No. Dick would never do that. Then again, after a visit to the pit, no one really stayed the same.   
  


“Don’t you… don’t you want to go home?” Jason decided to ask instead of stressing over possible answers.  
  


Dick’s eyes flashed to him, glimmering green for just a split second, “Considering the way you and Bruce left things, if he finds you now, he won’t stop until you’re behind bars and I won’t let that happen.”  
  


“Dickie… Dickie you don’t have to protect me,” Jason whispered, his guilt pushing aside everything else. “Especially after what I did. I’d understand if you hate me.”  
  


And then, everything Jason had feared happened as Dick slammed his hand against the dashboard, his breathing rough.   
  


“To be honest, _Jay,_ I’m not particularly happy with the choices you’ve made up until now. I’m so angry and all I want to do is kill you for what you’ve done. But I don’t know if that’s an after-effect of the pit talking or if that’s just how I really feel,” Dick growled as the colour of his eyes changed to a glowing green. “But I don’t… I don’t hate you. I don’t think I ever could.”  
  


Sighing, Dick buried his face in his hands as Jason pulled over. They clearly needed to talk and seeing the condition that Dick was in, he was afraid that the older might try to crash the car.   
  


“When I woke up, back in the cave, I was so scared, Jason. The memories, they all came down at once. They crashed into me and the bad ones, they were so overwhelming that I was scared I would drown, that they’d be all I’d ever see. I was scared that I would never wake up from my nightmare,” Dick confessed, his voice slightly muffled. Jason wanted to reach out and hug him, assure him that everything was alright but he couldn’t. It wouldn’t be the right thing to do. “And then, when all my fears were haunting me, in that chaos, I heard your voice calling my name. You were the anchor I needed to survive.”  
  


Jason knew it was selfish of him to be happy as he heard those words. Dick still needed him. Dick wanted him. Shaking his head, he tried to focus.  
  


“It doesn’t have to be me, Dick. I’m sure someone else can be your anchor,” he whispered but Dick just shook his head.   
  


“No. It has to be you, Jay. Because there’s no one I love as much as you. There’s no one I trust as much as I trust you,” Dick declared and Jason felt his stomach twist.   
  


“You… you trust me even after everything I did?”  
  


Dick smiled, gentle and sad, “I do. It’s strange but I do. Because… because if I was in your place… if I had lost you… I might have done the same thing.”  
  


And then, Jason was falling apart, every damn emotion he had pushed down was now breaking through the seams. Everything was a mess. Everything was fucked up. But maybe, that’s just how things had always been. To survive, Jason needed Dick and now, to be sane, Dick needed Jason. Or maybe, they’d always been this way.   
  


“Say the words, Dick.” Jason looked at Dick, staring into his eyes that were returning to their original colour. “Tell me you want to go home, back to Bruce, back to your family. If you tell me to, I’ll let you go. I’ll set you free.”  
  


There was a moment of silence but one that didn’t shock Jason at all. Dick needed to think before he could make a decision, one that was right for him, one that wasn’t guided by pure emotion. He needed to choose the path that would be best for him and only him, not Jason, not anyone else. For the first time, he was allowed to be selfish.   
  


“I should go home. I should be with my family,” Dick finally said, his eyes fixed on his hands and all Jason could do was nod, his worst fears coming true. “But I want to be with you. It doesn’t matter which scenario I play out, in the end, I always find myself back with you. And no, it’s not the pit talking. This is just… this has always been me. I’ve always just wanted you, Jason.”  
  


“Dickie…”  
  


“You asked me what I wanted,” Dick interrupted. “You told me you’d do whatever I said so I’m telling you, Jason, I want you. I choose you. What you did, it still hurts and I’m angry. I will be for god knows how long but even so, when I’m ready to forgive you, I want to be by your side. I don’t want to visit you behind bars and talk to you through a glass window. No. You have to take responsibility for what you’ve done. You have to stay with me.”  
  


Overwhelmed by everything he was feeling, Jason nodded, his hands reaching out to hold Dick’s, to feel him, to know that this was real and not just another dream concocted by his mind to keep him happy. Their fingers met, their warmth intertwined and Dick leaned forward to touch Jason’s lips with his own, something so soft and fleeting. Their moment lasted for a few minutes but it felt longer. It felt like forever.   
  


“Then, what do we do now?” Jason asked, squeezing Dick’s hand.   
  


Turning to look outside, Dick took in a deep breath, “Now, we run. Together.”  
  


Together.

**Author's Note:**

> I like to think that for a while, after this, Jason and Dick just moved from one place to another, turning their journey into a wholesome road trip where they visited different monuments and took pictures like they're on a vacation and not on the run. Maybe someday, I'll write about that too.


End file.
